On October 28, 2015, I was notified that my friend Ben was found dead in his bathtub. He was close to my age, so I knew this wasn’t a natural death or a simple slip and fall. At the funeral, there was no viewing and everyone seemed secretive or ignorant about the cause of death, so I concluded suicide. I felt like his death impacted me more than everyone else. Maybe they hid it better. Maybe it’s because Ben was my fourth friend to have taken his own life. Sadly, last year there was a fifth.
I used to think suicidal thoughts were only for teenagers; just something that happened along puberty. But, when Ben became number four, knowing he was close to thirty years old shifted my perspective. In high school, I had made a several short films regarding suicide, but Ben’s death brought about new feelings that I wanted to express. I felt guilty that I saw his pain yet never acknowledged it. I felt the fear that if I took my own life, no one would care. I wondered if friends could see the pain behind my eyes. Would they stop me from committing the same act?
I’ve only seriously considered suicide once. I was a senior in high school and the burden of being the perfect son felt too heavy to carry. I planned out the steps, counted the cost, and realized I would be leaving family behind. I could not bear that thought. It was now or never. I chose never.
A year after Ben’s death, I decided to make another short film about suicide; nothing generic or using other testimonials. This topic was personal, so the film had to be personal. Every frame, sound, actor, and crew member was chosen with care.
Although I fight off depression daily, I vow to never take my own life. Not everyone is ready to make that promise. Wherever you are in your battlefield of the mind, you are not alone. If you believe you are, take solace in this film. There are people who know how you feel, people that have seen the light at the end of the never-ending tunnel. When you cannot carry hope on your own, let someone help you. I pray this film may be a light on the Ben’s of this world. I see you. I love you. I miss you.